Have you ever found yourself in a tense situation where you weren’t sure what to say? Or worse, you said or did the wrong thing, then later, you want to kick yourself for your poor response. How can we do better? The answer is preparation.
Responding well in high-pressure situations is something we can prepare for. Athletes practice game situations for this very reason. Pilots spend time in flight simulators so they’re ready for worst-case scenarios. You and I can do something similar.
Maybe you’re not a professional athlete or pilot, but chances are you have been to a job interview. Career coaches typically advise their clients to anticipate the tough questions they might hear and determine what to say in advance. That way, they are ready—and more likely to say the right thing—when the tough interview questions come up.
Our objective should be to advocate for ourselves without attacking, minimizing, or blaming the other person.
This same technique can serve us well when we anticipate tough relationship situations and envision ourselves responding in an appropriate and productive way. Our objective should be to advocate for ourselves without attacking, minimizing, or blaming the other person.
Here are some of those tough situations and suggestions for what to say so we respond well.
Unfair or untrue accusations
Situation
Your partner accuses you of doing, saying, or thinking something that you didn’t do, say, or think.
What to say
“I can see why it would be hurtful/upsetting if I did/said/thought what you describe. However, I can assure you that was not what I did/said/thought.”
Why this is a good response
It’s natural to want to defend ourselves, but that typically leaves the speaker feeling unheard and invalidated. The suggested response affirms the speaker and offers a different perspective for them to think about without being defensive. We don’t need to agree with what they said (we’d feel resentful if we did), but we also don’t need change their mind.
Not recognizing your changes
Situation
Your partner accuses you of doing, saying, or thinking something that you used to do, say, or think, but you’ve worked to change your behavior and handle situations differently now.
What to say
“I see why you might think that based on my past. However, that’s not like me anymore.”
Why this is a good response
It can be hard to be reminded of past bad behavior, especially when we’ve worked to change. This response acknowledges our past and how our partner might be primed to think we’re repeating it. At the same time, it communicates the work we’re doing and the different outcomes we’re seeking.
Unflattering characterization or name-calling
Situation
Your partner calls you a name or characterizes you in some unflattering way.
What to say
“Ouch.” Or, “I don’t like it when you call me names or talk about me that way. Would you please not speak to me like that?”
Why this is a good response
Our tendency under attack is to attack back. When we do, it somewhat justifies the speaker’s words. It’s appropriate to ask our partner to change hurtful behavior. How they respond, however, is their choice. We can protect ourselves by distancing from them if they don’t stop.
Harsh or unfair criticism
Situation
Your partner criticizes you with a harsh, perhaps unfair critique.
What to say
“I appreciate your feedback. Let me think about what you said.”
Why this is a good response
This response 1) acknowledges we listened to their concern, and 2) gives us time to get past the initial sting of their words without getting defensive. If, upon consideration, we agree with what they said, they’ll appreciate hearing that feedback. On the other hand, if we decide their statements are bunk, we can let their words fall to the floor. No further action is needed.
Telling you what to do
Situation
Your partner emphatically tells you what to do: “You should __.” You didn’t ask their opinion and want to make a different decision.
What to say
“I appreciate your input. I am evaluating my options and will decide based on what’s best for me.”
Why this is a good response
Here, we acknowledge we listened to their idea, but remind them the decision is ours to make.
You see things differently
Situation
Your partner says something you’re quite sure isn’t true.
What to say
“We seem to have different memories of that event/conversation. Here’s what I remember: ___.”
Why this is a good response
Our response gently introduces a different viewpoint without calling them a liar, which might lead to defensiveness and conflict.
They are gaslighting you
Situation
Your partner says something you think isn’t true, but when you offer a different viewpoint, they regularly tell you that you’re crazy, your perceptions are wrong, or you’re losing your grip on reality. (By the way – this is gaslighting).
What to say
“I’ve noticed a pattern in our conversations where my memory is often questioned. Can we focus on finding solutions rather than debating memories?”
Why this is a good response
Being gaslit is a serious challenge. Rather than getting bogged down in arguments over the details, this moves the conversation forward. Calling out the attempt and sticking to what you know is the best way to combat gaslighting. For more ideas, see this article.
They are stonewalling you
Situation
Your partner refuses to discuss an issue important to you (this is stonewalling).
What to say
“Based on your silence, I’m guessing you don’t feel safe discussing this topic with me. Is there anything I can do to make it safer for you?” If this doesn’t work, decide and proceed as if you were a single person.
Why this is a good response
Here we guess at their reason for stonewalling. If right, we’ve invited them to help remove the barrier to communication. If they are simply trying to win through silence, moving ahead without them lets them know that communication is the only way we can consider their voice. For more ideas, see this article.
You wonder about their intent
Situation
Your partner says or does something which leaves you wondering about their intent or feelings for you.
What to say
“You said/did ___. The story I’m telling myself about it is ___. Is my story accurate, or how should I think about what you said/did?”
Why this is a good response
When given limited information, our brains fill in details and context. Often, however, those stories are distorted. If we’re unable to dismiss the distortions ourselves, it helps to check with our partner. By asking a question rather than making an accusation, we’re less likely to cause them to feel defensive. It puts us in a more open mindset so we can receive their perspective without our own self-protective filters.
They overwhelm you
Situation
Your partner overwhelms you with criticisms and issues, one after another.
What to say
“I understand you’re feeling frustrated. Your complaints are important. However, my resources are limited. Let’s take them one at a time so I can fully understand and respond to each issue. Would you be willing to prioritize them and determine which one you want me to focus on first?”
Why this is a good response
Rather than feeling obligated to respond to everything thrown at us, we put the duty back on our partner to sort out what’s bothering them most. Then, we can focus on that item without feeling overwhelmed.
You improved, but not enough
Situation
Your partner points out your less-than-perfect behavior and complains that you are not changing, not changing enough, or not changing fast enough.
What to say
“I know that my reaction wasn’t perfect, but I’m doing the best I can.”
Why this is a good response
We acknowledge our shortcomings, but also remind them that change takes time and we will not be perfect.
Your partner is doing something wrong
Situation
Your partner is doing something you believe will be damaging to them in some way.
What to say
“My concern for you is ___.”
Why this is a good response
This statement expresses concern for them and their well-being rather than telling them what to do (which people generally don’t like).
Your turn
Anticipating difficult relationship situations and practicing what to say makes it easier for us to respond well when those conditions happen in real time. What other challenging scenarios do you encounter, and what responses have you found to work well? Leave your examples in the comments below.
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