“I used to get offended by everything,” Josh shared. “Someone driving slowly in the left lane: offended. The guy with 12 items in the 10 items or less check-out lane: offended. People explaining things I already know: offended. Not getting invited to the neighbor’s backyard BBQ: offended. My partner not answering my questions: offended.”
I asked Josh what changed—why he didn’t get offended by these things anymore. “I just decided to become unoffendable, and that made all the difference in the world,” he told me.
Is Josh crazy, or is he on to something? What does it mean to be unoffendable? And how does that shift in thinking change how we experience life and interact with others?
What unoffendable means
Being offended means we feel hurt, indignant, or wronged by something we perceive to be disrespectful, insulting, or inconsiderate. Note, however, that what offends one person might not offend another. We all interpret what is or is not offensive differently.
Being unoffendable, then, means we don’t feel a strong emotional reaction when facing those situations. I confess, the idea of being unoffendable is radical and counter-cultural. In our society, people get easily offended, even by really ridiculous things. It’s my sense that we’re trending toward greater sensitivity every year.
The case for becoming unoffendable
Why, then, should we want to become unoffendable when everyone around us is moving in the opposite direction? It’s because when we do, we’ll feel less anger, stress, and resentment. Quite simply, we’ll enjoy life more. And, we’ll be more pleasant to be around, improving our relationships with lovers, family, friends, acquaintances, and even strangers.
Often, when I talk about becoming unoffendable in one of our groups, someone interrupts me. “Isn’t it normal—maybe even healthy—to get angry at being mistreated or subject to injustice? After all, if we don’t protect ourselves, who will?” It’s a great question, because it gets at the heart of why we get offended to begin with.
Why we get offended
When we feel offended, our mind is attempting to protect us from some perceived threat. The key word here is perceived. Our thinking goes along the lines of, “I can’t let them say that about me” or “I won’t allow them to disrespect me like that.” We believe we need to defend our character, change other’s perceptions, or alter their behavior. But do we really?
There are two parts to consider in answering this “need to defend” question.
The first is, is our well-being damaged by what the offender said or did? We may be delayed ever so slightly by the pokey driver on the highway, the slow customer in our check-out lane, or the person over-explaining things to us. At the end of our lives, however, I guarantee those delays are meaningless. Similarly, the party invitation slight or non-answer from our partner will go down in our life’s history as non-events. In other words, we’re fine and those incidents ARE NO BIG DEAL!
If someone calls you a piece of crap, does that make you one? Of course not. It just makes them disrespectful, but it says nothing about you. If they act rudely toward you, is your value somehow diminished? Not at all. It shows they are rude, but your status is unchanged. These words and actions are no threat at all. Why get upset about something that doesn’t affect you?
Second, does getting offended change the person who offended us? By voicing our indignation, do we convince them they’re wrong, out of line, or need to redirect their actions? Almost never. In fact, we’re more likely to reinforce their negative beliefs, cause them to feel offended, and create conflict. Why would we want to give them the power to make us feel bad?
How to become unoffendable
Josh was enjoying his newly-found freedom from not having his emotions controlled by others. His strategy, “I just decided to become unoffendable,” seems too simple, however. Is it?
There’s good psychological theory supporting Josh’s strategy. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) tells us that how we think about events determines how we feel about them. Josh now chooses to think about slow drivers or over-explainers as quirky people instead of individuals set out to ruin his day. He sees, more accurately, that not getting invited to a party or answers to his questions are not threatening his value, security, or welfare.
While the logic of this new and improved thinking is easy, changing our thought patterns is not. If certain words or actions have offended us in the past, we’re likely to think about them similarly in the future. Our brains are highly efficient, energy conserving organs, so it’s our natural tendency to follow well-worn thought patterns—even wrong ones.
Josh admitted he’s had to fight against habitual thinking. When he feels offended, he has to challenge his old, offended conclusion and replace it with a new, unoffended one. Over time, he says, he’s become less likely to be offended by those things that used to leave him feeling wronged.
Unoffended parameters
Back to the question group members raised: should there be limits to this idea of becoming unoffendable? Probably. I’m not suggesting that if someone mistreats you over and over, you should simply shrug it off and stay unoffended.
If their remarks or actions are discriminatory, unfairly putting you at a disadvantage at something that matters, you should speak up. Likewise, we shouldn’t allow repeated insensitive or demeaning comments or behavior to continue. Continual exposure to belittling remarks takes its toll, even when we are resilient. There are times we need to advocate for ourselves.
Here’s where your judgment enters. You’ll need to decide what’s harmless and unworthy of a response, and what’s harmful that needs addressing. I’d suggest there is a lot of what currently offends us that falls into the first category. Our peace, happiness, and relationships would be well-served by becoming more unoffendable in many of these situations.
For the part that needs addressing, prepare yourself to have that difficult conversation. Remind yourself beforehand of your identity—how lovable, worthy, and valuable you are. That will put you in the right mental framework for the discussion. Plan to set, and enforce, reasonable boundaries. Try using nonviolent communication techniques to improve the likelihood you’ll get your needs met without making the other person defensive.
Faith note
God calls us to be unoffendable. In fact, in Colossians 3:12, the Bible says, “Be gentle and humble, unoffendable in your patience with others.” Earlier in the verse, it says, “Be merciful as you endeavor to understand others, and be compassionate, showing kindness to all.”
Our heavenly father is not giving us this guidance so we become everyone’s doormat. He tells us to be gentle, humble, unoffendable, and patient because he knows this is the path to a full and abundant life. He wants what’s best for you and me.
Easier said than done, right? Well, he even tells us how to accomplish this task: “You are always and dearly loved by God! So robe yourself with virtues of God, since you have been divinely chosen to be holy.”
Knowing we are dearly loved, chosen, and set-apart (holy) by God helps us to be unoffendable. We have a deep, in-born need to be loved. When we allow God to fill that need, we don’t need as much from people.
It’s great when they show us kindness, affection, and love, but we’re okay when they don’t. And when they are disrespectful, insulting, or inconsiderate, their words or actions have little meaning to us. They’re just words, because our creator already defined our value and lovability.
Want to learn more about this idea of becoming unoffendable? Check out the book,
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