The other day, I had a familiar conversation with an individual whose life has been turned upside down and whose marriage is hanging by a thread because of their abusive behavior. “I know I have some issues to work on. I want to, I really do! It’s just hard!” they said.
Their sentiments are not unusual. For many of us who have caused harm in our relationship, we feel the painful consequences of our past actions and we’re motivated to see our future turn out differently. Still, the barriers to change are substantial.
For starters, this voyage always begins with humbly admitting we need to change—a confession our minds try hard to resist. Then, wanting to change and knowing how to change are two different things. By the way, the Ananias Foundation is here to guide you through the process.
Even with good directions, however, permanent change often involves revisiting painful parts of our past to discover the root cause of our behavior. That understanding points us to areas where healing is needed, such as replacing old ways of seeing ourselves with new, more accurate, and healthier ones.
Changing our thinking, especially thoughts related to core issues like identity, takes lots of time and effort. As we improve in certain areas, we discover new growth areas to address. Our progress is often interrupted by backsliding and our resolve weakened by partners who don’t recognize our advancement.
In short: change is hard.
That’s why my ears perked up when one of our group members, Chet, shared a practice he’s recently begun: doing hard things. I could tell you about the concept, but hearing Chet’s testimony is far more powerful—and motivating—coming directly from him. Here is his testimony:
I spent 31 years in the Marine Corps. In the last year, right before I retired, my marriage imploded. My wife had put up with enough of my emotional destructiveness and asked me to leave. We had been married over 30 years at that point. It completely devastated me. I did not have the tools to deal with it and my life came crashing down. It is the worst thing I have ever experienced.
But it is also the best worst thing that could have happened – a severe mercy from my faithful Father. I was utterly blind to my pathological patterns, false beliefs, self-protection measures, entrenched pride, and stunning lack of self-awareness. Most of these corruptions were developed as a youth and reinforced over the years of my service in the Marine Corps.
Thankfully, I have found help – lots of it! Over the last two and a half years, I have experienced the kindness of God through the Bible and prayer, faithful friendships, effective counseling, helpful books, powerful sermons, timely podcasts, and (of course) the Ananias Foundation.
One of the sources of helpful counsel for me is an organization called Capable Life who introduced me to an approach they call brave practice. Brave practice helps people to identify and challenge faulty assumptions about the future by engaging in actions that contradict those assumptions.
After my marriage fell apart, I responded in all kinds of unhealthy ways. In addition to anger and despair, I experienced debilitating fear about the future. And fear, as I have discovered, is not a very good friend. In truth, fear can be a cruel enemy. Fear can cause you to make faulty assumptions about the future with harmful and debilitating effects.
For example, if I am afraid that I will crash my car due to bad traffic, I may choose to stay in my home all day, or all week, or most of the month, leading to isolation and loneliness. If I am afraid of what people think, I will make choices that prevent me from meeting new people or spending time with those I love. That will lead to isolation and loneliness and exacerbate depression or other disorders. If I am afraid of failure, I may never try something new or do that one thing I always wanted to. Ironically, fear of failure inevitably creates feelings of failure and leads to poor choices.
Let me tell you how it impacted me. After my separation, I assumed my wife was going to divorce me (something I feared). I also assumed that my kids hated me and always would (something else I was afraid of). So, because of that fear, I made faulty assumptions about the future, and I shut down emotionally.
When given the opportunity to spend time with them, I would not engage. I remained quiet and walled off with self-pity or I just found something else to do. After all, if my wife was going to divorce me and my kids did not want anything to do with me, what’s the use? Why bother?
I was in such a dark place at that time that I could not see the additional harm I was doing to them and to me. My fear of a perceived future caused me to respond in an unhealthy way and led to facilitating the very future I feared – like a self-fulfilling prophecy.
The truth is, they did not hate me, and my wife did not want to divorce me. But I could not see any future good. My fear had crippled my assumptions. Therefore, I made choices that only made things worse.
Then I learned about brave practice, which is doing things that counter the faulty assumptions we make about people and the future. It is essentially doing the very opposite of what you feel like doing. To do that, you must challenge your assumptions about the future. I found that to be very difficult. But like we used to say in the Marine Corps, “Hard things are authorized.” So, what did I do?
First, my counselors helped me challenge my assumptions about the future. I had to choose to accept the possibility of a different future outcome. I had to choose to believe that my wife is not going to divorce me and that my kids don’t hate me. The truth is that I hurt them, and they were struggling with their own emotions and pain. But that did not mean what I thought it meant. So, I chose to believe better things about them and the future.
Second, I made deliberate and intentional decisions about how I was going to show up. If the future outcome is better than what I had been telling myself, then I can make better choices and step out in ways that are more helpful.
So, I committed to three things: To regularly invite my wife to participate in some activity together, to engage my sons in an intentional way on a regular basis, and to initiate regular visits to the house to spend more time with them, as they would allow.
That may not sound like a lot, but it was a massive shift in thinking and an intentional change in how I showed up. It led to some unexpected encouragement. My wife agreed to take a pottery class with me. We had several dinner dates together. We did some shopping together during the holidays. We took several long walks together.
I did some fishing with my youngest son. Another son invited me to dinner with some of his friends from church and had dinner with me recently. I have spent more time at the house in recent months and I showed up in a much better mental state. For me the change is palpable and noticeable.
But what about them? Time will tell. For now, I’m going to keep doing those brave practices and give them the time they need to process things in their own way. I cannot control them and must not try to. I can only control me.
What about you, friend? What brave practice do you need to consider? Do you need to stop drinking? Do you need to start seeing a counselor and get the help you have needed for years? Do you need to start listening to people that challenge your perceptions and beliefs? Do you need to admit that you have hurt others and take personal responsibility for your actions without blaming others? I did all these things before I could start seeing myself in the light of day. It was hard.
If you have not done what you need to do, what is stopping you? Entrenched pride and entitlement? Fear of what others will think or say about you? Unwillingness or resistance to face consequences? The loss of control? Uncontrollable anger toward everyone? Deep shame and self-pity? I experienced all of these. It was hard.
How do you get past the inner corruptions that cause you to hurt others and yourself? How can you shift your thinking or beliefs so that you can get the help you need and make the changes you know you need to make? The Ananias Foundation is a great place to start and can help point you to resources and people that can help you move in the right direction.
I will tell you what has made all the difference for me. A genuine encounter and growing relationship with God. The real God. Not the God of my imagination or my making. But the One who has shown Himself to us in the Bible.
Everyone worships something. We go through life worshipping. And everyone has faith. Faith in something. What or who we worship determines our actions. And what we put our faith in drives our motives and intentions. What do you worship? And in what do you place your faith? Those are two very important questions to ask yourself. Answering them honestly is a very brave practice.
Friends, be brave. Hard things are authorized.
–Chet
Your circumstances may be different than Chet’s. The barriers you’re finding difficult to clear might not be the same. I’m confident, however, that there will be an immense reward for doing hard things.
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