Your partner is upset with you for something you did. If you’re honest about it, it wasn’t your best moment. It was a bit selfish on your part, or maybe it was hurtful to them. But admitting it or apologizing for your actions feels like it is going to open up a whole can of worms.
“Next thing I know, everything is going to be my fault,” you think. “And then there is the conflict that is likely to follow. Please no. I’ll do anything to avoid one of those ugly conflicts we have. I hate having someone mad at me.”
Rather than getting defensive, you go on offense. Deny that it happened. Insist that you didn’t say or do what your partner is complaining about, even though you know they’re at least partially right. Tell them they’re crazy—that they are making it all up. Get your significant other to question him or herself, to become unsure of their thoughts, and the heat will come off of you.
The scenario described above is called gaslighting. The term comes from a 1930’s stage play, Gas Light, and then later two movies made in the 1940’s, both titled Gaslight. The story takes place in the 1800’s and depicts a husband who secretly dims and brightens the indoor gas-powered lights—you know, the kind they had before the light bulb was invented. In the story, he insists his wife is imagining the changes, making her think she’s going crazy.
What is Gaslighting?
Gaslighting is psychological manipulation that makes the recipient question their feelings, instincts, and even their sanity. It is one of the worst forms of dirty fighting, and it is used by both men and women. Gaslighting includes a variety of techniques, such as:
- Pretending not to understand when you do.
- Labeling your partner’s thoughts as crazy or imagined.
- Questioning the other person’s memory of events when they remember correctly.
- Pretending to forget what actually occurred when you actually remember.
- Denying promises that you know you made.
- Trivializing the other person’s feelings as being too sensitive when their reaction is somewhat normal.
Check out this page if you’d like more examples or a deeper understanding of what is gaslighting.
Effects of Gaslighting
While these actions may seem relatively harmless, over time, this pattern causes the targeted person to feel confused, anxious, isolated, and depressed. In other words, it hurts them. Harming another’s sense of wellbeing, like happens with gaslighting, is emotional abuse.
Less obvious but equally important is that it hurts the person doing the gaslighting. Having a partner who is stressed, down, or withdrawing from the relationship is not fun and not what most of us want. This pattern of interaction prevents us from enjoying a close, healthy relationship.
Most of my posts describe my own violent or abusive behavior and what I learned to overcome it. I share my experiences so I can help others. Gaslighting, however, is not something I’ve done. Rather, I’ve been on the receiving end of it. Still, I hope my perspective helps.
My (now ex-) wife accused me doing and saying things that I didn’t do or say. When I disagreed, she ratcheted up the pressure by claiming I had poor self-awareness. She insisted that other people saw it the same way as she did, although she would never name those individuals “for their protection.” My alleged behavior was worse each time she told the story.
At first, I wondered if she was right. Maybe I really didn’t remember correctly or see myself objectively. I must be loosing it!
Over time, however, I realized her narrative was a series of lies she was using to keep the blame off of her and onto me. Rather than controlling me, it just made me distrust her. Without trust, there is no relationship.
Roots in the Past
Dysfunctional behavior like gaslighting often has its roots in our past. Some gaslighters learned it from their parents or other role models. If a parent was an addict, for example, that parent may have used gaslighting to manipulate the child into keeping their addiction a family secret.
My ex grew up in an extremely strict household, where breaking the rules was met with harsh punishment. It’s understandable why she might have developed blame-deflecting techniques like gaslighting as a way of protecting herself as a child. That does not make it acceptable as an adult, however. It is still harmful to her partner, her relationships, and to her; and it is still her responsibility to fix it.
Keys to Stopping
If you read the list of gaslighting techniques above and know that you use some of them, I’m not here to shame you. My objective is to help you make your life better. That happens by understanding our deeper motivations for using bad behavior, then discovering better ways of responding to those power thoughts and emotions.
Gaslighting, like other harmful actions, happens when we try to control what’s happening to us by controlling others. No one likes to “be in trouble” with our partner, engage in conflict, or even face our own poor conduct. To dodge these uncomfortable feelings, we try to take the heat off of ourselves by putting it on our mate.
Usually we avoid these emotions because they are more painful that they need to be. We see criticism, disappointing others, and conflict as awful—almost life-threatening situations. As a result, we over-react with a no-holds-barred approach to deflecting the focus onto others.
Even healthy couples have conflicts and all of us receive occasional negative feedback. Facing disapproval from our partner or even our own “I could have done better” self talk doesn’t have to be a big deal. Most people navigate relationships without resorting to this destructive pattern and you can, too.
Rather than viewing criticism or conflict as horrible, we can reframe it as feedback and an opportunity to grow. I know from my own experience that thinking differently about these situations is easier said than done. Overcoming this deeply seated issue is challenging and getting help from a counselor is a wise move.
Avoiding Gaslighting Doesn’t Mean Agreement
So there is no confusion, it is worth talking about what isn’t gaslighting. We are not expected to agree with everything our partner says. It is normal that two people will honestly remember an incident differently.
Not understanding is also not gaslighting. It is pretending that you don’t understand when you do that crosses the line. It’s nearly impossible to prove what is an honest mistake vs. intentional manipulation in a courtroom, but you and your partner will intuitively know.
Go ahead and say you disagree if you honestly do and as long as you do so gently. Since it is really difficult to prove whose perspective is correct, stay humble and realize your memory or interpretation could be wrong. Look for your partner’s feelings beneath their words (hurt, fear) and try to address those with compassion, even if you disagree on the details.
Faith Note
At its core, gaslighting is dishonesty. It seems that our human nature is to lie, misrepresent ourselves, or downplay uncomfortable truths. We justify it as our effort to protect ourselves or avoid conflict, but dishonesty hurts our relationships and our reputation.
God knows deceit is bad for us and he wants us to have a better life. That’s why he calls us to follow him and be truthful always. Not because he wants us to be good, but because he wants us to be blessed by living a life of integrity. By getting to know God and putting him in charge of our life, we can tap into his power even when being honest is hard.
How can you tell if you are the gaslighter, or if you are are the one being light? It is so hard when your head is spinning. You hate to blame someone when it could be you ,or maybe a !little by both of you? Confused!!!
The first part – determining if you are doing the gaslighting – is easier. Take some time to allow your head to stop spinning. Honestly ask yourself if you are doing some of the things listed in the “What is Gaslighting” section. If it helps, suspend your feelings of guilt and self-condemnation about using this tactic for a moment while you are being honest with yourself. This is just about you being able to see yourself clearly and objectively so you can make positive changes if needed.
The second part – determining if you are receiving gaslighting – is harder. If you’re continuously being told things that you honestly don’t think are right, you should have some doubt about them. Be observant and even write down incidents immediately after they happen so you can go back to those notes later if you’re told something different. To the extent you can ask someone else that you trust what they observed, do so. At the end of the day, you may just need to trust your gut about what is true and what’s a lie.
If you’ve determined that you’re the one using gaslighting techniques, STOP! (Some tips on stopping in the blog post). It’s not good for anyone, including you. If you’re being gaslit, it’s appropriate to name it for what it is and to expect your partner to stop. If they don’t, it will be important for you and your well-being to remove yourself, temporarily or permanently, from that relationship.
The Guidelines
My question or should I say questions… Ughhh 😔 my kids dad and I been separated (it will be two years in February) we we’re together for 15 years.. I was 17 (with a 3 month old son) and he was exactly ten years old than me (27) we have known each other many years before through mutual friend’s.. he took my son and myself under his wing and took the plate of being his father figure in his life and today he is 15 years old most amazing kid I could ever ask for.. since then my kid’s dad and I have had three other kids plus I forgot to mention he had a 5-year-old when we got together so all together we had five amazing beautiful kids.. I’m trying to wrap this up and not make a novel out of my where I’m trying to get my point on basically trying to say he left me for another woman that he had an affair with in high school because of that I’ve been left on my own fighting depression anxiety feeling like the best way I can describe it is I felt like he abandoned me dropped me off in the street somewhere and took my puppies for me I’m confused on her I’m lost all I have ever known was being a house mom my entire life basically from 16 years old to 30 all I have ever done and have no is dealing with the house the kids school and their dad .. I am now 32 years old living with my mom like I said it’s already been almost 2 years now and I’m still trying to figure out where I belong and who I am I still get to see my kids whenever their dad wants me to or lets me to or needs me to because he’s got things to do it’s when it’s convenient for him basically he does pick me up from time to time and we fool around now my question is is it wrong of me for not telling her his new girlfriend and startup all kinds of problems and drama and mess up my thing that I have with him my little bit that I do have even though I’m downgrading myself in Indiana I’m going to be the one that’s hurt damn I cast lighted myself?
Hi Jessica. Thanks for your message and for sharing so much about your life’s story. I’m sorry you’re feeling depressed, abandoned, and confused. You’ve been through a lot and still have much uncertainty in your life, so those feelings are not unexpected or out of line. What you’re describing here is not gaslighting, but it’s still not healthy and good for you or anyone involved.
I want you to know that you deserve to be valued and respected. For many people, that would mean that someone they are in an intimate relationship with would be committed to sharing their life and do so exclusively with one partner. I’m not a counselor and this is not an advice column, but it’s my observation that we all have to believe we are valuable ourselves before we can set boundaries to not allow ourselves to be treated otherwise.
I encourage you to learn how much God loves and values you, and pray that you find healing and hope by developing your relationship with him. You already have the blessings of 5 amazing, beautiful children and a supportive mother, so build on that and move confidently into the life that God wants you to have.
Thank you for your feedback I truly appreciate it and take every word and consideration.. sincerely Jessica
The Divine Will of God is that we obey His laws, that is the Ten Commandments to begin with, and if we have Faith Hope and Charity, love of neighbour, we can’t go wrong. It is built into every human being, good will, and the battle is original sin. This has lowered our God given nature to do evil, and once we realise this and the fact that we are prone to this sort of behaviour, then and only then can we begin to truely know ourselves and see ourselves for what we are in he sight of God, which is the reason we are here on earth to get to our Heavenly homeland, and for our loved ones to do the same.
Hi Bernadette. I whole-heartedly agree with you that once we see ourselves as God’s beloved children, and understand our purpose here on earth, that our perspective and behavior completely change. For some people, that starts by seeing they have fallen short of God’s will (i.e. broken some of God’s laws) as you suggest. For most of us (including me), however, that means first that we understand and accept God’s love and grace, THEN we act differently because we no longer need so much from others around us and we want to please God. Like any good parent, God loves us first and foremost, but he also sets some boundaries because he doesn’t want to see us get hurt.
Thank you. This is an interesting article and describes something that I recognise to some extend at least, in my own relationship, or rather in the conflicts that happen from time to time between me and my partner.
I really cannot see how God is relevant here though, or adds anything which the preceding paragraphs do not already convey.
The concept of curbing insidious behaviour that deviates from the more desirable and productive path of truth to oneself, truth to others, humbleness and self reflection is a fairly straight forward one and the benefits can be felt and observed very swiftly.
You set out clearly the ways to recognise when you are behaving badly or dishonestly, the possible historical causes for that and the general takeaway that certain things that you say to divert blame from oneself can be both harmful to your partner and harm your own integrity along with the future harmony in your relationship. All very clear and morally intelligible. The God reference tacked onto the end added nothing for me in gaining any further understanding or indeed motivation for this.
Surely, to recognise through self reflection and a genuine desire to learn and grow is an entirely valid way of proceeding toward an improved set of behaviours, without the idea that God will be displeased with us if we do not.
I would even go as far as to say true integrity is gained from altering ones behaviours because we ourselves know they fall short, not through fear of the disapproval of a divine parent figure.
Be true to yourself and what you know inside to be wrong, listen to your inner voice and your own intuition. If you honestly feel like your moral code is so utterly off kilter that you cannot recognise right from wrong then I guess some professional counselling would help, but not exclusively religious in nature.
It is my own feeling that we all know, if we are honest with ourselves, when our behaviour is bad and when others are behaving badly toward us, our own bodies and minds are constantly giving us cues, the feeling of guilt, anger, sadness etc, these are all there to help us navigate life and alert us to the nature of our interactions. getting to know and recognise these cues and be honest with ourselves why we are receiving them, will in my opinion lead to more positive and lasting change than adhering to an externally imposed moral code motivated by a need to please God, or anyone else. This is a rather morally ambiguous and inauthentic way to motivate change in yourself in my opinion, It suggests ultimately that without the presence of God and his desire for us to live a moral life, that we would not choose to, or recognise our bad behaviour, of our own accord. I am not saying deny the teachings of God, not at all, if that is where you find comfort and truth, but don’t let his disapproval be your driving force, change because you know in your heart that you need to, that those around you will benefit also if you do and the quality of your relationships will improve as a result.
Hi Isaac. Thank you for your deep and well thought-out comments. I’m glad you found the post (mostly) helpful.
You make an excellent point that internal motivators for change are far better than external ones. I agree. It’s why the threat of arrest and punishment is a much poorer crime deterrent than a person’s internal sense of right and wrong. One could view God either way. If we see God as external–a “gotcha” God that is trying to catch us doing wrong–then that is similarly a poor motivator, as you stated. On the other hand, when we see God as our good, loving, grace-filled, provider and protector parent, our desire to please him becomes internal.
I wish that we humans did, as you suggest, curb behavior that deviates from good things like truth, justice, and humility. I wish that doing so was always met swiftly with inherent rewards, and deviant behavior was met swiftly with unpleasant consequences. I’m certain that we as a species would “learn” and follow good behavior more quickly and more completely if it was so. Unfortunately, the worldly system of rewards and punishment is often delayed or upside down. C.S. Lewis offers far more insight and a far better explanation on this topic than I can: https://www.markrobertcasper.com/c-s-lewis-mere-christianity/
If we view life devoid of God, then we conclude that this is all there is. When we die, it’s over. Therefore, we need to get as much wealth, power, or pleasure as we can. There’s no point in leaving anything on the table. On the other hand, when we see ourselves as part of God’s story, that perspective changes. Now we see a purpose that is not centered on us, but rather on serving God out of love and adoration for him. We see our time here on earth as relatively short, which puts a whole different perspective on things like sacrifice and suffering. Kindness and charity make sense in the latter view, but not the former.
My purpose in adding a Faith note at the end of some of my posts is not to add anything new to the prior material, but to confirm the alignment of secular and spiritual truths. For those who are working to follow Christ, I hope the added perspective might help them gain clarity or be something they can relate to. If that isn’t helpful or necessary for you or others, then feel free to ignore it.
What should a victim of gaslighting do to make things easier? Trying to discuss the issue with my wife just makes it worse, makes her angry and turn on me, tell me I’m “mental” etc
Hi Jim. If you’ve tried to discuss this issue with your wife and you are getting the reactions you describe, then you’re right, there is no point in continuing that tact. It would absolutely be appropriate to set some boundaries (https://www.ananiasfoundation.org/relationship-boundaries/), which means creating some natural consequences, such as removing yourself from the gaslighting conversation, and if it does not stop, to remove yourself from the relationship.
I think I am being gaslighted by my partner. I feel confused, depressed, completely exhausted and feeling like I’m no good.
He lies frequently – I’ve caught him out. Completely gone back on any promises he’s made to me. Bad mouths me terribly behind my back (I’ve seen his messages) and the things he is saying to others about me are not even true. If I talk to him about how I’m feeling then it will get dismissed very quickly and he plays the victim and I end up apologising to him. he also tells me that I;m overreacting. Everything is always on his terms. He broke up with me a few months into the relationship. He didn’t want to spend any time with me over our first Christmas or New Year which i was upset about. He finished with me and I had to wait for him to contact me before I could speak to him. Everytime I want to move forwards ie buying a house or when we first moved in together, he accuses me of putting pressure on him.
I’m tired, depressed and fed up.
Surely this behaviour isn’t right if I’m feeling so awful.
How do I manage this if he won’t admit there’s a problem or tries to deflect away from his behaviour all of the time?
Hi Laura. How you are feeling is very typical for someone on the receiving end of gaslighting. And you’re right – the behavior isn’t right and it is not healthy for you. If you’ve pointed it out and your partner can’t or won’t see it, then your only option is to remove yourself from that relationship. We never have to be in a particular relationship and we can’t change anyone else.
How do you refute charges of gaslighting when you truly are not doing it?
Good question. I’d suggest saying, “Thanks for the feedback. I’ll reflect on what you’ve said and see what I can learn from it and do to improve.” Then actually give that person’s claim, even if it wasn’t presented in a nice, kind way, your honest consideration. If you’ve done this and the person persists with gaslighting allegations (or any other charges, for that matter), then it’s okay to simply state that you have already heard them and considered their viewpoint. Saying this in a calm and matter-of-fact way rather than getting defensive is best so to not throw gasoline on the fire. Finally, if they continue to surface this claim and you know it is false, then you should start distancing yourself from them (see our blog post on Boundaries).
How can I tell if I am the gaslighter, or if I am the one being light? can I be both? I want to fix myself to help my family if I am the problem, but I also feel like others have emotionally abused me? Looking for some answers so I can be a better wife and Mother to my 2 girls.Thanks,
Mariah
How can I tell if I am the gaslighter, or if I am the one being light? can I be both? I want to fix myself to help my family if I am the problem, but I also feel like others have emotionally abused me? Looking for some answers so I can be a better wife and Mother to my 2 girls.
Thanks,
Mariah
It’s possible both you and your partner are doing gaslighting of each other. Ask yourself if you do any of the things listed in the “What is Gaslighting?” section and answer them honestly. Knowing whether or not you are being gaslit is more difficult, by definition, because the nature of gaslighting causes us to question our sense of reality. Get a neutral and trusted outsider to help you check your sense of reality.
My husband and I have been married almost 30 years. I think he’s been gaslighting me since before this was the term used for it. I was in a relationship prior to my husband where I was lied to and thus I have always had trust issues. I’ve told myself for 30 years that I’m just a little broken from that previous (first love) relationship and that my husband isn’t lying. He’s the middle child of a family with big alcohol problems. He’s an alcoholic, though “dry” right now. How do you get a neutral and trusted outsider to help if all this goes on within the relationship?
How do you get an outsider to weigh in on whether or not you are being gaslit (check your sense fo reality)? You ask them! Look for someone who is wise yet cares enough about you to speak the truth in love into your life.
Hi i am a gaslighter i constantly lie to get myself out of situations and dont like to upset my partner. I know that what i am doing is wrong and i want to change and become a better person and to save my relationship.
Hi Karl. Getting honest with ourselves is the first, critical step toward getting better. I love your humility.
You’ve identified the big reason why we gaslight – to get ourselves out of trouble and avoid conflict. I hope our suggestions about facing our fear of conflict, and perhaps our fear of change even if those changes would be good for us, frees you up to address this issue.