“I don’t understand,” Liz complained. “Several people close to me have told me they’ve noticed big improvements in how I manage my emotions. Nevertheless, my partner keeps telling me that I’m no better than before. Why can’t he see my growth?”
Brad nodded his head knowingly. “I get it. I’ve been working hard on changing my bad behavior. I’m confident I’m making progress because my reactions are fewer and milder than in the past. However, it seems like my partner is now pushing those old buttons even harder. It’s like she wants me to blow up like I used to.”
Change is never easy, but for those of us who have caused harm in our relationships, it’s essential so we can build healthier relationships. However, a paradox occurs when our positive changes—breaking harmful habits, exercising better emotional control, or improving boundaries—aren’t recognized by our partner. Worse is if it seems our partners are intentionally pushing our buttons, and pushing them harder, to bait us into repeating old, hurtful patterns. Is this a real possibility, or just our imagination?
As messed up as this dynamic sounds, it could be true. It’s known as change-back behavior, and unfortunately, it is not an uncommon experience for those working to stop their harmful or abusive behavior. When it occurs, it creates a serious challenge for anyone on their journey of change.
What is change-back behavior?
Change-back behavior occurs when someone resists or undermines the positive changes another person is making in their life. This resistance can show up in subtle ways, like refusing to acknowledge their change, reminding the person of their past transgressions, or refusing to discuss reconciliation.
It can take on more obvious forms, too, like deliberately picking fights or escalating conflicts in hopes of causing the person to repeat bad behavior. When they slip up, the change-back agent has secured the evidence they were seeking.
It’s not always easy to spot change-back behavior. Here are some red flags:
- Emotional pushback: Your partner becomes more reactive or volatile as you begin responding in better, more constructive ways. They yell louder, get in your face, or poke you to try to get a reaction.
- Undermining: They dismiss your efforts or mock your progress. “You’re no better than you were before.”
- Guilt-Tripping: They attempt to make you feel bad for your previous wrongs, or for taking so long to embark on your growth. “You hurt me for so long. Why didn’t you change sooner?”
- Escalation: They engage in extreme behaviors—like picking fights or making dramatic statements—to bait you into conflict. “You’re never going to change. I’m leaving you.”
- Gaslighting: They attempt to make you doubt your strategies or question whether your changes are truly positive. “You calling a time-out is just another way to abuse me. Now you’re stonewalling me.”
Why does someone engage in change-back behavior?
At its core, change-back behavior is about maintaining equilibrium in a relationship that has shifted. Your changes—however healthy—disrupt the balance your partner has grown accustomed to, even if that balance wasn’t working well. While it can feel hurtful or even manipulative, change-back behavior usually stems from their fear, insecurity, or discomfort rather than malice.
Here are the most common reasons someone might try to pull you back into old patterns, listed from fairly innocent to more sinister motives:
Discomfort with Change
People are creatures of habit, and change—even positive change—can be uncomfortable. Your partner might find the new way the two of you are interacting unsettling simply because it’s unfamiliar.
Especially if your relationship has set a pattern of unhealthy interactions—like codependency or enabling—your partner might unconsciously rely on those dynamics to meet their needs. Your change disrupts that system, prompting resistance.
Insecurity or Fear of Abandonment
Positive changes can inadvertently trigger feelings of inadequacy. Your growth may turn the spotlight onto your partner’s bad behavior and the ways they’ve contributed to dysfunction in your relationship. They may fear that you’ll see their flaws and that they’ll be left behind, no longer good enough for you. This insecurity can show itself in attempts to sabotage your progress.
Fear of Losing Control
If your partner has called out your bad behavior and you are now addressing it, they’ve gained a degree of control over you. You need to do as they say and meet their expectations or face dire consequences, like losing your relationship with them. As long as you are the villain and they are the victim, they get some power from their self-righteous position.
Then, as you change to meet their requirement, the dynamic shifts back away from their new-found power into something more balanced. Your change means they lose that sense of control—which can feel scary. Subconsciously, they may attempt to restore the victim/villain relationship to reduce this fear.
How to respond if your partner is doing this to you
Facing change-back behavior can feel disheartening, especially when your good work and positive intentions are met with resistance. While our partner having some discomfort with changing relationship dynamics is normal, if the situation persists, it should be addressed. Here are some effective ways to navigate this challenge while staying on track with your personal growth.
Acknowledge their feelings without internalizing them. Change often stirs up deep emotions in those around us. Your partner’s resistance likely stems from their own fears or insecurities—not because your growth is wrong. To the extent you can, responding with empathy will help. “I can see that my changes are hard for you, and I understand this feels different.”
Set boundaries. While validating their emotions, make it clear that their discomfort doesn’t mean you’ll revert to old patterns. And, it is important that they don’t get a pass on their bad behavior. Doing so only creates the same, damaging environment you worked to change—only with the roles reversed.
Reaffirm the positivity of your changes. Remind both yourself and your partner why you’re making these changes and how they ultimately benefit the relationship. For example, you might say, “My goal is to improve myself so I can be a better partner for you.” Reframing your changes as an investment in the relationship can help your partner see them in a more positive light.
Stay consistent. The urge to revert to old behaviors can be strong, especially when faced with unfair tests and tougher trials. However, consistency is key to making lasting change. Otherwise, you prove your partner right and reward their change-back behavior. Also, avoid over-explaining your work or justifying your progress excessively. Let your new behavior stand as the most convincing evidence.
Communicate openly about the dynamic. Address the change-back behavior directly but compassionately. For example, you might say, “I’ve noticed that when I try to handle myself differently and better, you sometimes react in ways that make me wonder if you want me to go back to my old habits. Can we talk about what’s behind that?” By opening the conversation, you invite your partner to express their concerns in a more constructive way.
Encourage them to explore their own growth. If your growth triggers insecurity in your partner, it might be a sign that they need to explore their own self-improvement journey. While you can’t force them to change, you can encourage them to reflect on their feelings and support their growth.
Seek outside support. If the change-back behavior is persistent or harmful, consider seeking help from a therapist or counselor. A professional can help both partners navigate the challenges of growth and find healthier ways to adapt to the new dynamics.
When to reevaluate the relationship
In many cases, change-back behavior stems from temporary discomfort and can be resolved with patience, communication, and mutual effort. However, in some situations, it may reveal deeper issues that will require you to make a difficult decision.
If your partner consistently refuses to support your growth, it may indicate a lack of respect or alignment in values. Using manipulation, gaslighting, or other abusive tactics to control your behavior is abuse, and it’s important to prioritize your safety and well-being. Personal growth is not something you should have to sacrifice to maintain a relationship.
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