by Michael | Mar 9, 2018 | Thinking Differently
Mitch, a relatively new participant in the domestic violence help group, knew he wanted to stop reacting so strongly. He especially wanted to stop the kind of reaction that resulted in his domestic violence arrest. He’d already identified some of his buttons—the...
by Michael | Mar 2, 2018 | Resources and reviews
One of the biggest criticisms I heard right after I committed an act of domestic violence was that I lacked accountability for what I’d done. Looking back, it was a fair evaluation. In fact, not taking full responsibility is common for those of us who have caused harm...
by Michael | Feb 22, 2018 | Resources and reviews
I’m always happy to discover books that might help readers to stop hurting the ones they love. I’m especially excited when someone who has done harm but has successfully changed writes the book. That’s why I was anxious to order and read the self-published book,...
by Michael | Feb 15, 2018 | Resources and reviews
A frequent question we hear from individuals who are trying to stop hurting the ones they love is, “Do you know any good domestic violence counselors in my area?” Our answer is yes, we have a “Find a Counselor” button on our Counseling page that can help generate a...
by Michael | Feb 9, 2018 | The Change Journey
Eric was struggling to see himself doing any of the ideas of how to stop violence that were being discussed in the domestic abuse help group. Jeff’s suggestion to Eric during a domestic violence program was brilliant: “If you can’t imagine yourself reacting...
by Michael | Feb 2, 2018 | The Change Journey
Last week I wrote about value-guided decisions—that process of acting on situations based on our long-term values rather than short-term feelings. We talked about how being clear about our values gives us better long-term outcomes in relationships. This is...
by Michael | Jan 27, 2018 | The Change Journey
I made dinner for my partner Lynn on Monday night, even though I didn’t feel like it. I’m glad I decided to do something I didn’t feel like doing. I know I’m not making sense yet, so let me start from the beginning. We had some conflict on Sunday and the issue was...
by Michael | Jan 19, 2018 | Thinking Differently
Back in the day, if someone gave me the choice between going to my (now ex-) wife’s company holiday party or having needles stuck under my fingernails, I would have taken the needles. Without hesitation. Pick a different form and I’d choose the torture in a heartbeat....
by Michael | Jan 13, 2018 | First steps
Yesterday, one of my Facebook friends who owns a chain of weight-loss and fitness centers posted an Ideal Body Weight chart on his page and simply asked the question, “What do you think of this?” Some pointed out that muscle mass should also be a consideration—a fair...
by Michael | Jan 4, 2018 | First steps
Welcome to the new year! Have you made any New Year’s resolutions? As you look ahead, are you excited about the possibilities, or are you looking at it with dread and fear? If you’re dealing with legal issues and relationship loss because of committing an act of...
by Michael | Dec 20, 2017 | Problem areas
Both times I saw my dad get physically violent with my mom were when he was drunk. Many in the domestic abuse community say that alcohol does not cause domestic violence, and I agree. If it did, everyone who drank would commit violence against his or her partner....
by Michael | Dec 14, 2017 | First steps
For those of us who have committed an act of domestic violence, how we think about what we’ve done has big implications on how we respond. Feeling ashamed won’t help. Feeling guilty is healthy. It may seem like these two statements contradict each other, but the...
by Michael | Dec 8, 2017 | Resources and reviews
Terry and Amber’s marriage had been struggling. Their fights seemed to get worse, and then one of those arguments escalated into Terry striking Amber. Things between them became even chillier after that incident. Terry wanted their marriage to work, so he suggested...
by Michael | Nov 30, 2017 | Problem areas
The day Tim’s wife told him she was separating from him and filing for a divorce, he blew a gasket. The argument that ensued quickly escalated. Tim first blocked the door to try to prevent her from leaving. Then, he pushed her away when she tried to get by him. He...
by Michael | Nov 24, 2017 | Domestic Violence - General
What it means for domestic violence treatment programs I recently read about a study that said people feel more empathy for dogs than each other. The research showed people fake news clips of a brutal attack on 4 different victims: a puppy, an older dog, a...
by Michael | Nov 9, 2017 | Thinking Differently
Look at that new BMW. That must have cost a lot of money. I couldn’t afford a car like that. I’m not that successful. I’m really not very successful at all. As a matter of fact, I’m kind of a loser. I must be a real disappointment to my parents and wife for being such...
by Michael | Nov 3, 2017 | Problem areas
I got an email from Rick the other day. His girlfriend just broke up with him, saying his “over the top” jealousy was one of the big reasons for leaving. She saw his behavior as controlling and felt it was a warning sign that he was going to become abusive if she...
by Michael | Oct 23, 2017 | Relationship skills
Can you read minds? Now you might be thinking, “What kind of question is that?” But if you’re anything like me, there have probably been times when you didn’t have all the information, yet you were sure that you knew what the other person was thinking. Last week, I...
by Michael | Oct 11, 2017 | Problem areas
This past summer I went to an outdoor concert to hear my favorite band. It was a perfect summer evening, with warm temperatures and a gentle breeze to cool us as we sat in the grandstands. There were two people near me who missed most of this great concert, however....
by Michael | Sep 21, 2017 | The Change Journey
One of our community members, LF, offers a personal story about the concept of accountability and the freedom and power it gives us, especially for those of us who are on a journey of change. Thanks, LF! –Michael “When you blame others, you give up your power to...
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