One mistake I see folks who are trying to change harmful behavior make is focusing too much on the behavior. They promise themselves, and maybe their partner, to never do that hurtful thing again. They try—they really do—to not repeat violent or abusive actions. It rarely works, however. Permanent behavior change requires us to get to the root of the problem.
Perhaps they’ve learned and practice the time-out technique to pause and regroup before reacting poorly. Using time-outs is great, and it’s a valuable tool. However, it should be only part of the objective. It’s risky to let our emotions spiral out of control and expect to save ourselves at the last moment to avoid disaster.
Long-lasting behavior change requires more than giving attention to what’s on the surface. The ultimate goal should be to reduce the size of our reaction and the number of things we react to. This requires us to delve into the root cause of the problem: our thoughts and beliefs.
A discovery process
We share a process in our Guidebook, groups, and online course that helps people identify the root cause of their reactions. It’s cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) 101: our actions, especially in stress or conflict, are driven by our emotions. And our thoughts create our emotions. To find those thoughts, we start on the outside with the action and work in.
For example, let’s say your partner is late for dinner, and you rip into them for being so inconsiderate. Not lashing out for such a minor infraction when you don’t know the full story is hopefully a behavior change you’d like to make.
Whether or not you know it, your reaction was fueled by some powerful emotions. You might have felt disappointed, hurt, jealous, lonely, unimportant—or maybe something else. If you’re struggling to identify what emotion you felt, check a list of emotions and ask yourself, “Was I feeling ___?”
Uncovering and naming your emotions is a good step, but it’s not the final one. We can’t control what we feel; our emotions are a by-product of our thoughts. The key to lasting behavior change is revealing and altering our core thoughts, beliefs, and motivations.
Root cause: our thoughts
As important as it is to identify our thoughts, many people struggle to identify the brainwaves happening in their heads. Much of our thinking is subconscious, hidden from our awareness. How can we challenge and change our thoughts or hope for behavior change if we’re not even sure what we were thinking?
We feel irritated and say something snarky to our partner. But why? We feel angry and raise our voice. What’s behind that conduct? We feel hurt and withdraw, refusing to talk about certain issues important to our mate. Where does our reaction come from?
There are some questions we can ask ourselves to help us become more mindful of the beliefs driving our behavior:
- Why does this bother me so much?
- What do these circumstances mean to me or say about me?
- How do I think this situation is going to affect me and my wellbeing?
- Is there something suggested here that I’m afraid might be true, or true about me?
Taking it personally
The focus of these questions needs to be on us, our emotions, and our thoughts. Note, the questions above are very different from: “Why does this other person keep pressing my buttons?” or “How can I get them to act differently?”.
We feel our strongest emotions when we take things personally or assign some intimate meaning to another’s actions. Otherwise, if their words or actions don’t affect us, our response is a figurative shrug.
Challenging and changing thoughts leads to behavior change
Once we arrive at the thought that created the strong emotion, we can ask, “How can I think about this differently, so it doesn’t bother me so much?” Often, we’ll see the thought isn’t true, or not completely true—it’s distorted. If we tell ourselves a different, more accurate story about our circumstances, it leads to a less powerful emotion and less harmful reaction.
Here are examples of people going deeply enough into their thoughts that they’re able to see the distortions and find healthier ways to view those situations.
They’re talking about me
Zeb admitted he takes issue with people talking about him behind his back. Even if he thinks they might be talking about him, he feels upset and often “gets in their face” to stop them. He realizes this issue is damaging his work and personal relationships, however, and therefore is committed to behavior change.
When he pondered what emotions he experienced, he determined he felt anxious, insecure, powerless, and vulnerable. The thought behind those feelings was, “They are saying bad and untrue things about me, but I’m not there to defend myself.”
Saying those words out loud made Zeb realize he was making a lot of assumptions. They might not have been talking about him. If they were, they might not be saying bad or untrue things. Even in the worst-case scenario—if they were talking smack about him—he realized getting in their face would not change their opinions. In fact, it would have the opposite effect—cementing their negative judgments.
His fear of others talking about him, he realized, had more to do with his insecurities than the discussions happening out of his earshot. As Zeb focused on building his self-esteem, he began to care less and less about other people’s opinion of him. He felt good about himself, and that was what mattered the most.
Feeling stupid
Camila asked a tech in the IT department why her computer keeps freezing. He gave her an answer, but she didn’t understand the jargon he used. She snapped at him, telling his to “just fix the *&%# thing”.
Upon reflection, she realized her reaction was harsh and unprofessional—a behavior change she wants to make. She’s told herself in the past she’s just not going to snap at people anymore, but that pledge is not working.
Digging deeper, she identified she was feeling stupid because she didn’t comprehend the terms her coworker used. She determined the thought that created her emotion was: “I must be stupid because I don’t understand technology.”
Once she identified the hidden thought behind her emotion, she could challenge it. She knew she wasn’t stupid—she earned good grades in school and had a good grasp on many non-tech subjects. Her background was in employment recruiting, not information technology. It made sense those tech terms were foreign to her, and it was okay, she told herself.
Still, she often found herself in situations where she felt stupid and reacted poorly. This deeper understanding revealed that she needed to address fears she has about her intelligence (her identity). As she spent time undoing messages from her past, she became less sensitive to all situations where she didn’t understand or know answers. In short, she began to disconnect the “I’m feeling stupid” button, reducing both the frequency and the size of her reaction.
Behavior change is possible
The process of going deeper into our emotions and thoughts helps us discover and adjust what’s going on in our mind. In doing so, we stop our knee-jerk reactions to all kinds of situations. Challenged and changed thoughts lead to smaller and more manageable emotions. With our feelings under control, we feel less pressure to react to difficult situations and have more mental space to think through how we can best respond to them.
Behavior change is possible. The stuff that upsets us, that creates strong and sometimes damaging reactions, doesn’t need to. We have the power (and responsibility) to determine how we think and feel about any circumstance. When we take control of our buttons, we take control of how we feel. Why would we want to give that power to anyone else?
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