“I want a partner to take care of me,” Brenda said on one of our group calls. “If I’m feeling bad, they should cheer me up. Or when I get overwhelmed by too much to do, they should step in and take some of the load off me. And if choose to work – fine – but I shouldn’t be expected to support the family.”
“That wouldn’t work for me at all,” Bryce said. “I don’t want my partner to put any restrictions or obligations on me. It’s all about freedom. If I can’t do what I want, when I want, then that relationship is way too stifling.”
This place in the discussion seemed like a good time to talk about dependence, independence, and interdependence in relationships. Brenda and Bryce had just described the first two, but interdependence is an arrangement that can make relationships stronger, healthier, and more fulfilling.
What is interdependence?
To understand what interdependence is, it’s helpful to get clear about what it’s not.
It’s not relying heavily on your partner for emotional support, decision-making, and overall well-being—that’s dependency. The problem with dependency is it can lead to a loss of our individuality and a sense of autonomy. We end up thinking we are powerless to determine our own destiny. Being in a relationship with a dependent partner isn’t fun, either. It can feel overwhelming trying to meet all their needs—like having another child instead of an adult partner.
Interdependence is also not complete independence. Independence emphasizes personal autonomy and self-sufficiency, rejecting restrictions or obligations. It’s where we have the liberty to do as we please without concern or consideration for anyone else.
The problem with independence is it makes it difficult to form and maintain good, close, and high-quality relationships. Others don’t trust us because they can’t count on us to be there when they truly could use our backing. Lacking those connections, we are left to fend for ourselves—losing the advantage of other’s perspective, natural talents, and assistance.
Interdependence means you support your partner, and in turn, receive back care from them, without losing your sense of self. There is a balance between the “me” and the “we”. In this kind of relationship, both people to grow and find deeper meaning together because of the sense of security and trust created.
Evidence of success
The idea of human interdependence makes a ton of sense when we think about it. In his book, How to Know a Person, author David Brooks talks about our natural stages of growth to maturity. We are born as helpless infants, completely dependent upon our caretakers. In our teenage years, we start to assert our independence. This continues into early adulthood, when we typically decide to give up some of our independence to get jobs, fit into our communities, and enter intimate relationships.
And interdependence, it turns out, has been good for the advancement of our species. Brian Hare in his book, Survival of the Friendliest, describes anthropological discoveries that our ancestors shared the planet with four other human species. The others also had big brains, cultural artifacts, and communication abilities like us. The one that survived, however, was not the smartest nor the strongest. It was the one that cooperated best with one another—which ultimately proved to be the successful formula.
Interdependence benefits
One of the biggest benefits of interdependence is emotional intimacy. When partners rely on each other for emotional support, they build a deeper understanding and compassion. To know and be known by another at this level feels amazing. For example, if one partner is having a bad day, the other can offer a listening ear and comforting words. Sharing these moments of vulnerability creates a strong emotional bond that can handle life’s ups and downs.
Interdependence also encourages personal growth by providing a supportive environment where both partners can chase their individual dreams and achieve their full potential. Knowing you have a reliable partner to lean on makes it easier to take risks and step out of your comfort zone. One partner might decide to go back to school or start a new hobby, for instance, knowing they have their partner’s full support.
Resilience is another upside of interdependence. Life is full of challenges, and a strong relationship often shines in tough times. Interdependence gives couples the resilience to face difficulties together. Say, for example, one partner loses their job. The other can provide emotional and practical support, making it easier to navigate the tough situation.
Building an interdependent relationship
If you’re sold on the desirability of an interdependent relationship—and I hope you are—how do you create one? While it’s something you can participate in, it’s not something you can do by yourself—it takes effort from both partners. Here are some key elements to consider. Humbly check yourself as you do a self-assessment:
Communication. Open and honest communication is the foundation of any interdependent relationship. Both partners should feel comfortable sharing their needs, desires, and concerns. Positive habits might include regular check-ins and discussions about the relationship, which can help ensure both individuals are on the same page and working towards common goals. On the other hand, yelling, dismissing your partner’s feelings, shutting down, or using other dirty fighting techniques will make vulnerable sharing feel unsafe.
Trust. Trust is crucial for interdependence. Without trust, it’s impossible to feel secure in the relationship. Building trust involves consistently showing up for each other, keeping promises, and being dependable. Trust takes time, but it’s essential for a deep connection. The enemies of trust include lies, gaslighting, and acting solely in our own self-interest instead of also considering the other person.
Mutual Respect. In an interdependent relationship, mutual respect is key. Both partners should value each other’s opinions, boundaries, and individuality. This respect creates a safe space where both individuals can be themselves without fear of judgment or criticism. Forcing our will on the other person, whether by violence, intimidation, manipulation, or coercive control, is an act of disrespect which breaks interdependency.
Conclusion
The most healthy and fulfilling relationships are neither dependent ones nor ones where the participants act independently. Rather, mature and successful relationships exhibit interdependence–which balances personal freedom with mutual support and intimacy. As a result, both partners experience personal growth and develop better resilience. And, together, they create a connection that’s greater than the sum of its parts.
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