Relationship Skills
Keeping your relationship close and loving
Interdependence: How Relying on Each Other Makes for Stronger Relationships
“I want a partner to take care of me,” Brenda said on one of our group calls. “If I’m feeling bad, they should cheer me up. Or when I get overwhelmed by too much to do, they should step in and take some of the load off me. And if choose to work – fine – but I...
Behavioral Activation – Feeling Better Without Pressuring Others
Behavioral activation is taking specific actions that create positive emotions. These include behaviors that align with what’s important to us or activities that we enjoy. Doing things that align with our values, developing skills that we want to master, or spending time on pursuits that bring us pleasure all qualify as behavioral activation.
Mutual Abuse in Relationships: Signs, Controversy, and Solutions
Robert asked the question on the first night of our group: Is there such a thing as mutual abuse? He acknowledged that he’d acted badly—even abusively—at times in his marriage. In reviewing the definitions of abuse, however, he believed he’d also been the recipient of...
Drawing a Line: Maintaining Healthy Relationship Boundaries
I regularly hear questions like “What do I do when my partner is being difficult?” or “How do I make my spouse stop doing that?” Usually, they’re just looking to make their life easier—but if only it were that simple! The real answer to these questions lies in...
Compromise in Relationships – the Benefit of Not Getting Our Way
A few days ago, I was getting ready to start my work when my wife asked me to change a flat tire on her bike. “Great,” I thought – “I have loads to do today, and now I have to spend 20 minutes wrestling this bike and getting covered in oil.” After giving in, I...
De-escalating Arguments: Taking a Time-out During Conflict
In one of our group sessions, we were discussing taking a time-out during conflict. One participant said she heard this anger management technique is controversial. According to an article she read, time-outs were ineffective, could make matters worse, or be used as...
Focus on Your Part to Resolve Conflict
Domestic violence incidents frequently happen during conflict. Therefore, finding ways to resolve conflict early, before it escalates, is important to those of us working to stop our harmful acts. Here’s something I’ve learned from experience: the best way to resolve...
How Domestic Violence Affects Children
After I was arrested for domestic violence, I focused mostly on understanding how my actions were affecting my wife and my relationship with her. What I didn’t realize—and was stunned when I learned—was how my behavior was hurting my kids, too. I loved my children and...
What to Do With a Difficult Partner
When I was arrested for domestic violence, I knew I’d done something wrong. But I also knew I was not the only one creating problems in our relationship. The fact that I was the only one in trouble and the only one expected to change didn’t seem fair. If you have a...
Respectful Co-parenting After Separation or Divorce
Navigating separation, divorce, and child custody issues is stressful and often fraught with conflict. For those of us who have committed an act of domestic violence but are working to change, this stress and conflict are major challenges. The situation is ripe for...
From Toxic Arguments to Constructive Disputes: Ending Dirty Fighting
Kim was confused—stunned really—that Mark was ready to end their relationship. She thought they were madly in love, but their fights had become more frequent, more intense, and often ended without any resolution. Mark had had enough and was ready to pull the plug...
Making and Recovering from Relationship Mistakes
I blew it last Saturday. Well, actually I blew it several times last week. I was impatient with my wife, and she called me on it. I don’t know about you, but I can’t seem to avoid making relationship mistakes. Let me tell you about this one and then share some lessons...
Accepting Other People’s Differences
It's normal to wish that others were different than they are—usually we want them to be more like us. And, it is fine to try to influence them in kind, positive ways. Problems surface when we become self-righteous, angry, fault-finding, nagging, or otherwise try to...
Good Relationship Essentials: Controlling Anger
When my former wife confronted me about controlling anger, it made me angry! After all, anger is a normal human emotion, I argued. It was hard for me to see the way I was expressing my anger in our relationship was causing problems for others and me. Would others say...
How to Win an Argument: Effective Strategies for Conflict Resolution
My (now ex-) wife and I could get tangled up in a conflict pretty easily. Honestly, she was much better at arguing than I am. She knew just what to say that hurt, the half-truths that were hard to defend, and could twist my words to make me look bad. I could never...
The Trouble with Mind Reading
Can you read minds? Now you might be thinking, “What kind of question is that?” But if you’re anything like me, there have probably been times when you didn’t have all the information, yet you were sure that you knew what the other person was thinking. Last week, I...