Different Endings Simulator

As you journal, ask yourself how you could best respond to the situation if you had a second chance – this time with plenty of time to consider alternatives. Because you are now out of the situation and just reflecting back on it, you should also be out of your lizard brain mode and thinking clearly.

By flying an airplane or driving a race car in a practice simulator, we are much more likely to handle a tough situation well when we experience it later in real life. In the same way, by visualizing a different, better response in your journal, you will be more likely to carry out a better response in real life the next time you are in a similar situation.

Next, consider how you’re most likely to create that good ending. Shutting down, stomping off, slamming doors, yelling, using any behavior that could be intimidating, or especially using physical force or violence, is going to be counterproductive to building trust, closeness, and intimacy in the long-term (the desired ending).

On the other hand, a script in which you are listening to make sure you really understand your partner is a much better start. Letting him or her know their thoughts and feelings are very important to you would be good additions to the script. Proposing solutions and checking with them to see if they address their concerns is another. ​Remember to eliminate distorted thinking from your character’s thought process. It will help you practice sound thinking and make the good responses you envision more realistic and more likely to happen next time.

It’s realistic and normal to not agree with your partner on every issue. Visualize yourself telling in a calm, loving voice while telling your partner how you see the situation differently. Write a script where you propose solutions and check with your partner to see if they address their concerns. Healthy relationships are not built on avoiding conflict or either person always giving in to the other. Rather, they happen when there is communication about each partner’s differences and when issues are resolved in a respectful way. Both people need to be heard and valued. This model of conflict resolution will go a long way towards building the kind of relationship you hope to have.

Sometimes these scripts are hard to imagine because we have not had people in our lives that modeled these roles. Doing what you saw your parents do or what you see your friends doing might be setting the standards too low. In a simulation of a disagreement, visualize your reaction based on the most calm and kind person you know, especially one who enjoys an excellent relationship with his or her partner, and whom you admire. What would they do in this situation? Think and journal about it in as much vivid detail as you can.